Read Anonymous Stories

Skill 1: Reflection Reflecting back what the person is saying shows that you are paying attention to what they say. Two people in a discussion How do I reflect? It’s easy! Reflection is simply repeating back what the person shared in your own words. You know you’ve done a good job reflecting when the person provides you with additional information. Example Person “I have so much on my plate. I have a huge project due tomorrow, and my in-laws are coming over this weekend.” Listener “You have a big project to work on, and your in-laws are coming.” Person “Yeah, the project wouldn’t be such a big deal, if my in-laws weren’t coming too. Now I have to clean the house and entertain them, while worrying about my project.” Skill 2: Labeling Emotions Identifying the emotion behind what the person is saying shows that you are interested in how they are feeling. It also helps them to examine their emotions more closely. Grid of facial expressions How do I label emotions? Look for the emotion behind what the person is saying. Do they sound angry, worried, overwhelmed, sad, excited? Imagine how they are feeling and suggest a word to label the emotion. It’s okay to get it wrong. Usually, the person will see that you care about their feelings and simply correct you. Example: Person “My mom keeps calling me to help her. Like, every day. I have my own life to live!” Listener “It sounds like you are feeling frustrated with your mom.” Person “I don’t know if I’d say I’m frustrated. I’m more angry with her for being so demanding.” Watch a short video to see these skills in action https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESujTCel6lM Skill 3: Asking Questions Questions help you understand what is being said, show that you’re interested in the person and keep the conversation moving forward. Asking a question What questions should I ask? Ask open-ended questions. These are questions the person cannot answer yes or no to. Here are some questions you might ask: How would you like her to respond? What is the most important thing you want him to understand? What needs to change? What do you like about this situation? What is the worst-case scenario? If you don’t understand what the person is saying, ask for clarification. Questions are great for showing you’re interested and keeping the conversation moving, but don’t ask too many! Give the person space to lead the conversation wherever possible. Example 1 Person “I think I’ll talk to my son about his girlfriend. When he was younger, he really looked to me to guide him, and I guess I’ve been too scared to confront him in recent years. But I feel really strongly about this situation, and I’m his dad, after all.” Listener “What is the best-case scenario when you think about how your son will react?” Person “I guess he could listen to me and hear me out. Maybe he will see my perspective and reconsider this relationship.” Listener “What would be his worst reaction?” Person “Well, he could get really angry and do the opposite of what I want him to do. He is pretty stubborn, so that’s a real possibility. But I think I can handle that. Even if he gets angry, I will have done my best to get through to him.” Example 2 Person “I can’t believe I overate again! I was doing so well this whole week, and I ruined it completely. I’m a failure, I just need to face it. Talking to my ex didn’t help.” Listener “You feel frustrated at this failure. But you’ve also lost a lot of weight over the past few months. What do you think about these two facts?” Person “Well, I guess I have done pretty good to have lost as much weight as I have. Maybe failure isn’t the right word.” Skill 4: Empathy Each person is doing the best they can with the life experience, knowledge, and resources they have. We can’t solve everyone’s problems, but showing empathy helps them to feel less alone. Empathy in Active Listening What do I need to do? Draw on your own experiences to imagine how the other person is feeling and put yourself in their shoes. What does empathy sound like? I would feel that way, too, in your position. I would be asking the same questions you are. That would upset me, too. No wonder you’re frustrated. Be non-judgmental and supportive If someone has made choices that you don’t agree with, think about it as an opportunity to understand another perspective. Never judge or criticize the person or their behavior. Example 1: Person “I was so angry with him for treating my sister like that. I yelled at him and called him a jerk. I hate him so much.” Listener “I can see why you felt so angry. I would be mad, too.” Example 2: Person “I just don’t get why she acts that way. One minute she wants to be best friends and the next it’s like I don’t even exist and she won’t speak to me or hang out. I just don’t get it.” Listener “I wouldn’t know what to make of it, either. It sounds like really confusing behavior.” Watch this video to find out about empathy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw Skill 5: Lived Experience If the person seems stuck and you’ve been through something similar, sharing a small part of your own story can help the person to feel less embarrassed and alone. Your focus should stay on the other person and you should never try to suggest that your own situation is worse. Just touch lightly upon your own experience to offer hope and encouragement. When is sharing your story helpful? If someone is feeling hopeless, the fact that you have been there and gotten through something similar can be very powerful To show that you have had these feelings too, it is a part of life they should not be ashamed of, can help people feel less isolated and embarrassed If someone is feeling confused and stuck, sharing a bit of your story can sometimes bring clarity enough to help the member say “yes, that is what I feel” or “no, that is not like me, it’s different.” When is sharing your story not helpful? If sharing your story seems like it will diminish the member in any way. For example “you think you have it bad, my story is so much worse…” You are seeking to help, not hurt and you never want to “one up” someone. If you share an illness story not a wellness or recovery story. The focus needs to be on offering hope to the person you are listening to, not drag anyone down. If you find yourself with feelings that you are trying to manage while you share. This is a sign that you may be triggered by the person you are listening to and the focus is then off them and on you. If this is happening, you should exit the conversation and ask the member to find a new listener. Examples: “Mary, I hear how painful that is through your words. I also know a bit about how that might feel because I too have been there. I struggled with that and I got through it. I know you will, too. There is hope.” “Fred, it sounds like you feel very alone. There are a lot of people who also deal with this. I have dealt with something similar. There is nothing to be ashamed of, it affects a lot of us. I know I felt very confused and ashamed at first, too. But I got through it and I absolutely know you will, too. There are a lot of us, have you tried out a few of the community rooms? Some of my favorites include… What are some other ideas you have for feeling less alone?” “Isabelle, you seem like you are stuck. I hear you kind of going around in circles. Do I have that right? I wonder if you are going through something similar to what I went through once. I was so sad and depressed it was hard to see any hope. Is that what you are feeling or is it something else?” Skill 6: Identify Strengths We all have strengths and it feels wonderful when others notice them. Let the person know you see them as strong, powerful and capable. This helps to build their self-esteem and confidence. What should I look out for? Notice anything the person has done well! It could be passing a test, finding a new job, or simply getting through the day when their mood was very low. Small things are just as important as big things. Even reaching out on 7 Cups for support is a strength worth recognizing. Use affirmations such as: I appreciate that you reached out to speak with me You are clearly a very resourceful person You handled yourself really well in that situation That’s a good suggestion I am so impressed with... If I were in your shoes, I don’t know if I could have managed nearly so well I’ve enjoyed talking with you today A person feeling confident and strong Example 1: Person “I was scared to do it, but I told her exactly what I thought about how she’s been treating me. My voice was shaking the whole time I was talking.” Listener “You were really brave to tell her the truth about how you feel. That must have taken so much courage.” Why is it important to recognize a person's strengths? It builds self esteem and confidence It helps them feel strong and empowered Both of these Skill 7: When someone asks for advice Empower the person in finding their own path forward. Never give advice, as this can be harmful. Why don’t we give advice? Have you ever tried to talk to someone hoping you’ll be heard and supported, but instead received unwanted advice? Giving advice takes away a person’s space to talk and express themselves. It also removes an opportunity to figure out their own solutions and build self-confidence. Additionally, you can never know every detail of a situation, or be an expert in the many different issues people come to talk about. Well-meaning advice may be unhelpful or even damaging. What should I say if someone asks for advice? Show you trust in their ability to work this out, e.g. “You are the expert on your situation. I can’t give advice, but I can listen and help you figure out your path forward.“ Help them to think about things from another point of view, e.g. “What would you say to a friend who was in your situation?“ Guide them to look inside themselves for the answer, e.g. “What do you feel like you should do?“ Should every chat end with a solution? No. It is absolutely okay for a person to leave a chat without a solution to their problems. Even if they don’t seem happier after a chat, you’ve still done something powerful in giving them that space and time. Things to avoid: Don’t judge Don’t push the person in any direction Don’t give advice Don’t give personal opinions Don’t try to convert anyone to your religion or belief system Two stick figures representing a brain and an idea Example 1 Person “I keep getting bad grades and it seems like whatever I do it doesn’t work. I can’t study at home because my brother plays his music so loud and I can’t get him to stop.” Listener “That sounds really frustrating. You want to study and do well, but your brother is making it difficult.” Person “Yeah, I don’t know what to do. Can you give me advice?” Listener “I’ve never walked a day in your shoes. You know your situation best. What would you say to a friend in your situation?“ Person “I guess I’d invite them to study at my place, or tell them to go to the library after school.” Listener “Those are some good solutions. Are either of those possible for you?” Person “Yeah, I guess I could stay after school and study in the library.” Listener “Sounds like a good idea. How do you feel about doing that?“ Person “Good actually. I might need more time than the library is open, but it’s definitely better than at home and I’ll ask my friend if I can go to her place and study together. When should you give advice? Only when the person asks directly for advice Anytime I have some helpful advice to offer Never What should you do if a person hasn't figured out a solution to their problems? Tell the person I can't help and direct them to another listener Know that it's okay, my job isn't to solve their problem and just being heard is powerful in itself Keep trying to get them to figure out a solution to the problem Chat Etiquette You can’t see facial expressions or hear each other’s tone of voice during a text chat. Take care with your words and don’t make any assumptions. Be as clear as possible in your messages to avoid midunderstandings Avoid making assumptions, e.g. don’t assume someone is irritated because their response is brief Show professionalism by using correct spelling and grammar as far as possible (no txt tlk!) Two people making a knot of their words and not communicating well Start with a warm welcome ”Hello, I’m glad you’re here. I’m Joe and I’m here to listen and support you. What would you like to talk about?” Don’t take it personally! If a chat isn’t going well, try to adjust to what the person needs. You can ask questions like, ”How can I best support you right now?” ”What do you feel it would be most useful to talk about?” Empathy is especially important if someone seems frustrated or is having difficulty expressing themselves. What should you do if a chat isn't going well and the person seems frustrated? Ask how you can best support them Show empathy and kindness no matter what Both of these Ending a Chat Never leave a chat without warning, as this can be upsetting. Many chats will reach a natural conclusion. Other times, you may need to take the lead on bringing the chat to a close. If you need to go soon, let them know. E.g. ”I just want to give you a heads up that I need to leave in 15 minutes. What would you like to talk about for the rest of our time?” If a chat isn’t reaching a natural conclusion, bring it to a gentle close. E.g. ”We’ve been chatting for a while now and covered a lot of ground. How are you feeling now?” Offer to stay in touch or reconnect. E.g. ”Unfortunately, it’s time for me to go now, but you can message me here and let me know how things are going.” If you find it difficult to end chats, set expectations at the start. ”Hello and welcome to 7 Cups. I’m Joe and I’ll be here to listen for X minutes. That’s plenty of time, so we don’t need to rush. What would you like to talk about?” What should you do if you're listening to someone but need to leave soon? Tell the person I need to leave soon and let them know how much longer we have left Wait until the last moment and tell them I have to go Just stop responding and go offline so they get the hint Serious Issues & Referrals Sometimes a person needs more help than just listening. In these cases, you can refer them to a 7 Cups therapist or provide appropriate resources. When should I refer to a therapist? You feel like the person needs more specialist help than you are able to offer as a listener. The person is seeking professional advice. The person is in a significant amount of emotional distress. You have spoken with a person several times and there is no change or improvement. How do I refer someone to therapy? You’ll see this button beside each chat. Just click the button to refer someone to a therapist. Therapy referral button You can refer people to therapists on our Start Therapy page. Suicidal Visitors We are unable to support individuals who are considering suicide. All users agree that they are not suicidal before using the site. If someone tells you they intend to harm themselves, encourage them to contact their local suicide hotline to get appropriate support and end the chat immediately. Referral Resources Sexual Assault Hotline United States (574)-254-7473 Suicide Prevention Lifeline United States 24/7 hotline for callers in the United States. 1-800-273-TALK or 1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-799-4TTY (TTY/TDD) National Runaway Switchboard United States Hotline and live chat for runaway, homeless, and at-risk youth. 1-800-RUNAWAY Teen Line teenlineonline.org Safe Haven Self-injury support forum and community for self-injurers and their friends/family. gabrielle.self-injury.net US Veterans Crisis Hotline United States 1-800-273-TALK US Veterans Online Chat & Info veteranscrisisline.net The Trevor Project United States An American hotline aimed principally at LGBT teenagers. Crisis Line: 866-488-7386 Text: 202-304-1200 (M-F 3-10P EST) The Center to Prevent Youth Violence United States American anonymous youth violence reporting hotline. 1-866-SPEAK-UP Amigos da Vida Brazil sociedadeamigosdavida.org.br The Lowdown New Zealand A New Zealand project aimed at young New Zealanders suffering from depression. thelowdown.co.nz Al-Anon / Alateen United States http://www.al-anon.alateen.org What should you do if someone tells you they plan to harm themself? Try and convince them not to do it Refer them to the suicide hotline and end the chat Ask why and listen to their reasons Your Safety & Well-Being Inappropriate Chats All users on 7 Cups are anonymous. This allows people to seek support without fear or judgement. However, it also means people can use the site for inappropriate reasons, such as harassing others or sex chatting. Here are some tips for staying safe on 7 Cups: Never share personal contact information Never meet a stranger you met online in real life Do not click links that seem suspicious Block users who you do not wish to hear from Visit the 7 Cups Help Center if you need more help Some people need to talk about a genuine sexual problem, but if someone is flirtatious or sexually inviting, hit the report button and end the chat immediately. A women with a hard hat and construction vest to represent safety A user has been harassing you and you have attempted to block them, but they use multiple accounts. What should you do? Deactivate your account Contact the 7 Cups Help Center Insult them Politely ask them to stop Confidentiality Agreement Chats are anonymous and confidential. This is what makes 7 Cups a safe place to talk. You should never ask for information that can be used to identify the person. Sometimes you might look for help with a chat from a mentor. It’s okay to discuss the chat, but don’t share enough for the mentor to identify the member. You can also get help in the Listener Support room. The chat room guidelines ask that when requesting help, you explain the chat topic in 6 words or less. Do not discuss members by username Never ask a person to share personal information, such as: Real name Phone number Place of work Address Email Social media handles Photo Where they are from Strictly confidential image What personally identifying information should you never ask a member for? Real name Address or place of work Phone or social media handles All of the these