What can I say. I’m only human buh I don’t know if others ever feel the way I feel or more than me. I just always want to be worry free. I don’t like this too but what can I do. How do I tell people how I feel when I’m just gonna seem like I’m complaining. I swear it’s saying down on me. I don’t really know how I feel but I know it’s bad and I want it to stop. I just want it to stop. Even I myself feel like I’m crazy. I try to act sane in from of people and I laugh sometimes it’s just for the moment and immediately it’s all gone I’m back to that same feeling. I guess I’m might be the only person who doesn’t just wave of bad energy. I swear I want to. I wanna do that. I just wanna smile and not think. Even I hate my own thinking buh as it is, I’m a Nigerian without lots of cash for a therapist. I gotta do my psychological evaluation myself. I guess I’m just one broken person. Trust me, I wanna fix. I want to be whole again. Is it my dreams that’s weighing down on me or my failed works? I know I don’t get oppressed by what others do but I also wanna feel like I’m doing something to make a change. I’m grateful to the life God gave me and I’m not gonna take it away from myself. They say one step at a time. I’m tryna do that. It all just keeps banging in my ear to do. I don’t wanna go crazy. One thing I now understand after I have tried to speak to my sister or tried to show my boyfriend is that no one. Absolutely no one can help me.
Maybe I just need time to heal or maybe I want them to just listen to me and I will be fine or maybe I just em to do something. I don’t know what but just do something. I’m talking selfishly right?! Yeah maybe I’m or maybe it’s just what it is. Only God. If I could just listen to his voice. If he could just say “my daughter, everything will be fine and you will be fine”
If he could just give me peace. If he could just tell me what I want to hear. I don’t even know what that mostly is lol. If he could help me In a way whereby I’d take away my pains and people’s. Maybe, just maybe I will be fine.
All these is just me scratching the surface of what’s really going on. Imagine me not being able to explain it all in writing. How do I say it out loud? How?! If I try to speak they’d say I’m complaining. Well, maybe I’m just a disturbed child that has everything that she has faced running through her head and her veins. Like it’s all gonna explode soon.
It’s not just a real thing they might think or maybe she’s exaggerating cos she has all lol. I have lots but I don’t have what I want. Not contented right?! Maybe or maybe not.
Maybe I’m just always tryna defend myself in all ramifications or maybe I just spill out how I feel.
You wanna know why I don’t talk? Cos if I do, amma cry! And then you will think, hey! She’s at it again.
I box everything up cos it’s safer that way. When I tell someone something. I just talk about what you want to hear not really how I feel cos if I do, you are either just gonna talk about it, blame me or tell others so why not keep it in me I think!
It’s not even easy being just 20 and feeling like that world’s problems are on you and you just wanna break free. Feel free. Feel happy only and not think about how life’s been treating you either the goods or the bad. I’m talking; just leaving!
I see my brother looking at his phone and smiling and sometimes doing things and feeling like there’s nothing else matters. I sometimes envy him and just wanna be like that too with my thoughts and all bug I guess we aren’t just the same.
You know what? I believe I’m gonna be rich. I don’t know how but I will. That’s not even my problem. The thing is what will happen. Will I achieve my dreams? Am I good for anyone and to those l love ? I’m I what I presume they think I am ? Am I worth all the stress. Feeling like that is like feeling low but sometimes what someone does to me or how he does it just because I gat great love for him isn’t what I had imagined will ever happen. And he not feeling like he did something wrong is the most disheartening feeling ever. Sometimes I feel like in all he tries to play victim I’m not just in for that. He might not know it but that’s what it is. He might even think I’m tryna throw blames but maybe just maybe I might actually be right.
Maybe I just need a change of environment. Maybe being surrounded by the same energy and people for more than 15yrs is the problem. I have risen about that contemporary attitudes a hood child will have but maybe I just need to get out of the same spot and find another. And guess what? I sometimes feel I’m not welcomed to your place when we argue because of the way to make everything sound or how to tell me to leave. Yeah you know yourself and it hurts. It’s not the first nor the second and it hurts so badly I just wanna choke in the moment sometimes. Maybe you should just learn to talk to others qualitatively and collectively when in an argument.
On a norms, things like this, I will just call rants out of anger buh because of how I feel these days I feel like it’s really meant by you and that hurts cos it makes me feel like I begged for what I have or maybe right now, it’s just a one sided feeling and you don’t feel what I feel anymore. Yeah, maybe I’m selfish to think that way but that’s what I feel or think.
Many more to say buh they aren’t just crossing my mind.
Too many talks. Is it worth is?! I don’t know.
I just can’t help but write.
I hope the best only comes to me. If not you or anything.
Just the best which I might wanna call happiness 💯
