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Hello every on I am 18 years old I just recovered from psychosis and i am a porn and masturbation addict for 5 years now. I am dumb fat and useless and I have low self esteem and everyone disrespect and walks over me both of my parents are dead. My psychosis made me extra dumb (I was dumb before) I lost my personality and I lost my every thing it all started when I was small I was always the fat kid and the dumb kid who everyone thought the could walk over my mom even feared I would be raped because I have man boobs so other men will be attracted to me imagine this.i am scared of every on and everything i have no principles and values and I am very very a antisocial I fear everyone and I think very low of myself everyone is ashamed of me because of how fat and disgusting I am. I have no self esteem and I am not happy and I do not think I have ever been since the gave birth to me only once have I done something good In my life was when i lost 20 kg and quit porn for about 11 months the best 11 months of my life and guess what I had insomnia and literally started having mental problems so I started smoking thinking that will help me guess what I now lost my dad after months of struggling with insomnia it then got to a point where I was too distressed then my mom helped me get some herbal medicines which helped only to think o was relieved from pain for the first time in my life I now was happy then I went to smoke weed which triggered my psychosis.then I went to a ward where I did weird stuff like being naked,masturbating in front of female staffs and smirking my shit when put in seclusion I didn't mention i was hallucinating and having delusions that all stopped after I took antipsychotic but I now got discharged from hospital and I feel like I have a damaged brain and I can't do shit I just eat and do nothing and I am dominated by my brother who controls me and is toxic to me he insults me and makes me feel worthless every day we had an argument and he told me my brain was -2 wow it hurt me this is my life now and all these events hunt me to commit suicide because of all that happened. Also in my life something that helped was being religious I thought I found god but guess what I don't even pray again cause I am too fat. God hates me even me hates me so this is how my life has turned useless I believe porn contributed tonmy down fall I k wo have no motivation to do shit even to clean my self up so I am just a fat guy every uses, every where I go people think I have money because I am fat. I can't even defend myself in a fight nothing is good for me and I am really hopeless and tired need some advice