Where do I start writing from?
Well, I am me. Recently, I started having this feeling of inadequacy and I completeness. Should I say emptiness that I cannot even figure our how to start filling.
Let me tell a bit of my story and see if someone can actually see anything from the outside of me.
I was born into a polygamous lineage. I mean, my immediate family is a polygamy with about 8 different families in total out of which 4 are “legitimate”. In all, we are about 21 children.
My mom is from a polygamous famous. She is the overall first child and the only surviving child of her own mother a poor polygamy of two families with 10 children altogether.
My father on the other hand is also from a polygamy of two families with 11 children.
Mother and father are in the actual sense ignorance and never leaved as a family (in any sense of it).
Fortunately or unfortunately for myself and my two sisters, our uncaring father died when I was 9. 3 years, my two sisters 5.9 and 1.8 years.
Growing up with mom not having anyone to run to for help was through the street and every Junction, every park, every market and every petty trading that could earn us a leaving.
Not minding the background, I had a dream of going to school and changing the story.
It’s said that when the heart is willing, the earth usually make a way. My uncle came through to assist in his own capacity from post Primary upwards. Nonetheless, it was struggle and hardship all through primary, secondary, tertiary and now a nobody.
I have done several things to find my footing in the world of the noble. But all attempt rubs it on my face that I not a noble, not good enough to be crowned a king.
I can’t really put it all in writing because a lot have happened since I graduated in 2018. I had joined a political movement in support of a returning governor. We work day in day out. Under the rain, and sun. Slept in hotels. Dodged bullets and crawl inside gutters to stay safe. We thought it would rain in our lives after all. But it haven’t.
Then I left for youth service. Led several groups. Worked for church in differing capacities. But none of them yielded anything that could put me on the track. Came back from service only to face emptiness and that feeling of worthlessness by rejection and dejection.
I started several classes but couldn’t finish because there is no money and nothing free is enough to prepare anyone. Most of my skills are free skills except my degree certificate. I feel they aren’t good enough. But I am the one helping others do some of the things they do where they are. Why am I just not getting it right. Why is it so hard on me.
Currently, I am out of accommodation as my cousin has just said he can’t keep accommodating me. What can 20k job do for a graduate who has no place to lay his head.
I didn’t say, I studied philosophy. I was raised from a traditional background till my father’s death when we leave a neutral live. I had been a believer up till I lost faith believing in anything. So all through my studies from 2015 till 2021,i was a none believer. But I just turn the leave and joined a church. Yet I feel so empty that the void in me seem like only void, nothingness or death can fill it. I just want a new life. I want to leave everyone and everything I have known except my mother and siblings to somewhere strange where I can start a new live. I want to run away from the current me. The me that I am today is not the me I ever wanted. And I so much hate that me now.
