Am the the first born of four, parents are alive a

Am the the first born of four, parents are alive and kicking,living with parents date fights and curses each other,father has no stable job and comes home with little or no money, mother Hawks,since childhood never had a ” friend” only paymates, mother passes aggression on me, am introvert and someone with a low self esteem,a Christian with struggling faith,has eye problem,ulcer and doctor said I’ve light brain with light stroke, been at home for five years inability to raise funds for higher education,had two unsuccessful relationship, despite all my efforts in pleasing people,was never good,felt suicidal for years and trying to connect with God,very confused, people seem to hate all I do