So, today i insulted the girl who tried to seduce

So, today i insulted the girl who tried to seduce my boyfriend, who has kept me in this pain, and has restricted me from enjoying our love the way i normally do, now i question his smiles when he chats or when he kisses me, or when he says he loves me i dont belive it, so many questions in my head, all the time of the day. Its haunting. Because he almost loved her, while i was here, he was sharing things i thought only we shared, he was gossiping with her as we both do, sharing our special space on the balcony with her, having intimate conversations, my mind is running wild, if he played sexual jokes with her just as he does with me, having her sit on his laps and holding her hands. Making jokes like my babe will soon come and her heart starts beating, or him telling her that i left him in her care. And now i am back, and she calling me his madam and he saying he misses her and she is only sick because she misses his touch. I get to see her. I try to see her and see what made him go there. Why?? Why break me like this, and make me an object of ridicle while at it? Why? I dont think shes preety. I know this shouldnt matter, but it just occurs to me. I try to be the best i can be, trust me, i am a the version of someone i want to date. This is affecting me so much, i cant process and i cant ask him questions because i wont get answers. He just gets angry. I dont love him as much. Most times im fighting the resentment welling up in my heart, because i said i will try again with him, i could have left, but i said i will try again. So im doing the work but its so much it makes my head hurt. I am in pain. And i smile with him and just show him love. But im falling apart, i wish i didnt love him , i would have held my head high and dumped him.it keeps occurring to me that jesus never dumped me , and i am one hell of a messy Christian. Somedays i want to eat so much and explode, he already went after a someone, somedays i just want to starve, but i am so hurt, so betrayed. I cant trust him again, ive stoped seeing him as my future fully. I al trying not to undergo all of this and save our relationship, but i am scared of a repeat. So my mind is giving up gradually, and telling me that staying here is just for fun . I feel like just being alone. Honestly in a house all by my self so i can cry for days. So that i can stop looking over my shoulders. I might sound wicked, but some part of me wants her to get hurt. To have someone take something she loves. To have someone spoil something good she has going on. To have someone not respect her or her things. Shes not a reputable person, shes bad! Shes wicked! Shes such a bitch, a worthless dog, a beast. A liar , a pretender. I guess my exfriend was right after all, my boyfriend aint a saint, and he surely is not one to be trusted.