Dear Sir/Madam, Thank you so much for this platfo

Dear Sir/Madam,

Thank you so much for this platform. I really appreciate it. I would like to share my story in the hope that I get some relief, peace, validation… I am not sure. But I just need to talk to someone.

I got married to my husband ten years ago. We got married because I was pregnant. We barely knew each other prior but I thought I was doing the right thigh, giving my son a home and his father.

Love has been alien to our marriage. It felt as though he married me to cover his shame. Whatever the reason was, I have been terribly unhappy. I cannot blame him entirely because I know that I have my faults too. But life as his wife has been miserable. I am never enough; never good enough; the yelling, silent treatments for prolonged periods of time. The lies and the pain. Too much pain…

There never was any friendship or love. Just manipulation, control and control…

Three kids down the line, I want out. I am tired. But I struggle with a very low self esteem and I am not sure how to stand on my feet. Where do I begin?

I recently met someone. He makes me happy sometimes. With him, I feel wanted, seen and sometimes valued. I am certain my husband knows but I am so far into this person I believe I have lost all sense of reason. The most important thing to me right now is regaining my independence but I don’t even know how to start. There is fear, pain, hurt and uncertainty.

My husband and I do not speak to each other anymore. We are currently separated since I moved to the guest room. He ignores me and I tolerate him. It hurts living like this because I feel invisible this way and I am tired. He has reported me to his entire household but I just cannot go on living like this anymore.

Is it truly up to me to build the friendship and the love in my home? Is this all my fault? I wanted to fix it but then after our last separation when we got back, he acted like all is well but began to lie again. I couldn’t take it and decided to move out of our bedroom. The gaslighting and silent treatment makes me feel worthless like I am insane. Suddenly the things I know happened didn’t happen. He would say one thing and do another. It tells me that he does not respect me and has little or no regard for me. Our marriage is loveless and empty. When we talk, we NEVER resolve ANYTHING. I thought I was overthinking things but whenever we talk and I try to address an issue, he just backs away and throws a tantrum and starts yelling and trying to deny everything or blame me or tell me I am crazy and it didn’t happen or accuse me of not wanting the marriage to work and using the confrontation as an excuse. Basically, it all falls to pieces…

Please help me. I am not insane. My family won’t help because they can’t. Plus they feel ashamed somewhat. My mother encourages me one minute then discourages me and tells me God hates divorce. Then tomorrow she comes and says my husband won’t change and she would stand by me but changes again. When we moved to stay with my parents, she put me through hell. The main reason I left was because she wouldn’t help me care for my kids and was way too engrossed in her business and her church. My Dad…

I decided to put my children first because living with my parents was beginning to hurt my children. My mother got rid of my help but refused to help me watch my kids when I had to go to work. She would run off to her business and leave my young children alone in that big house. She didn’t have to work the way she did. It brought back memories of all the times my mother treated me horribly when I was younger. I had filed away all those memories. She was NEVER there for me when I needed her and would outright abandon me because she felt I “chose” my father over her.

Moving in with my parents helped me finally break away from my relationship with my mother. The relationship hurt me in so many ways. She would do it covertly under the guise of religion. I couldn’t question anything because she was so prayerful and “Godly”. But living with her changed everything. So many things happened.

Having broken away, I feel adrift without a home, without a place. My dear friend became my rock in those times. I don’t know what I would have done without him. He stood firmly beside me and my heart opened up to him.

I don’t know who I am. I am thirty-seven but I feel like my life is so shaky. I fear what my husband may be planning. He feels nothing towards me. I have accepted it. But I need to move on and yet I stay for my kids for now. They need the security and their father provides for them and looks after them.

I would like to get a divorce but still live with the father of my kids for some time before I eventually move out. No, that’s crazy. I want to get my own place and to build a new life for myself and my children.

The las time I spoke to my mother which was last week, she said to me, “My childhood was rough. I used to journey from home to school each day”. I knew she wanted my pity. But I was done pitying her; putting her before myself and glorifying her feelings and her wellbeing. She was trying to say that she went through a lot more than I did growing up so… “My parents never even knew my school.” She said. “They just put me in the boat and waved good bye.” I wanted to ask her how she felt when they did that and why she felt it was ok to do the same to us. But I didn’t Instead I told her that there was no comparing her childhood with mine as both periods were worlds apart. And I added that I could not and would not even dream of comparing my childhood with my kids’ childhood. What applied to me could not work for them now. I can hardly send my kids to the next town but when I was little, there was no place I couldn’t go. She nodded and went quiet.

My mother was only my mother when she felt like it or when my father was watching… There are days I wonder if she is my mother… I guess that’s how I wound up with my husband. I married someone who couldn’t see me.

There are days I don’t want to get up out of bed. There are days I don’t know if I am alive or not. I cry everyday and yet it makes no sense. I should be strong but I feel so weak. So empty…

The only thing that keeps me going is that I want to be here for my kids. But I can hardly cook or do anything. I seem to have no will; no sense of direction. I feel rudderless. It feels dark here.

I’m just navigating based on the desire to survive this and live the life I have always dreamed of. To further my education; become a writer; build my businesses and rebuild myself one brick at a time.

I just feel….