I wasn’t looking to fall in love, I rarely liked

I wasn’t looking to fall in love, I rarely liked anybody, but when I fell, I fell deeper than I could imagine.
At first it felt like the answers to all my secret prayers, someone who cared about me, my every needs and welfare and I in return like him for who he was and not what he had to offer. I let myself go believing this was the one.
His arms, presence and everything about him felt like home to me. I was happy. Emotions I had never felt before and those I thought I could never feel surged to life. I was like a whole different person.
Then the fights started. I’ll admit, I have a foul mouth. I say things without filter when I am pissed. I never learnt the art of sugarcoating. It is my flaw and it is who I am. I never knew how to pretend, but now looking back at the past events and even present events, maybe I should learn the act of pretense, maybe I should learn how to play sweet even when I’m burning inside, it will save me the hurt I’m currently carrying inside of me.
I could see through the fights that we were growing apart. I mean he could now stay days without speaking with me I saw the signs but I felt maybe if I ignored his b.s we’ll survive this, after all couples fight right?
The day he decided it was over was one of the worst days of my life. It felt like my whole life had shattered right in front of me. I never believed a guy would make me cry, I mean I didn’t even shed a tear when my beloved grandpa died even though I was with him a few minutes to his death and was the only grandchild to see him on his deathbed, but I cried my heart out when he said it was over. I cried the whole night, I woke up the next morning crying, I cried on the phone with my friends, I cried on my way to get toiletries and back, I cried when my friends came to get me from the hotel, I cried as I held on to him saying my last goodbye, I cried while in camp, even now as I type this, a month and some days after the breakup, I’m still crying. I mean who knew love could hurt this much? I was supposed to be his peace I know, I tried my best to be that, I really did. I put everything in me to make it work, God knows I really really wanted it to work more than anything I have wanted in my entire life.
This is the type of heartbreak I’m certain I’ll never get past in my life. No one truly understands how I feel, it’s just a boy they say. Yes it’s just a boy but he made me feel things I never knew I could feel, opened my heart to love in a way I never knew existed but he shattered my heart into a million pieces that I can never pick up completely.
Why does love have to hurt? The one time I let myself go completely was the time that scarred me the most.
I have made promises to myself to get rid of him completely but I can’t. I find myself running back to the memories of him, reading through our old conversations and wishing that things stayed the way it was. On some days, I’m strong and on others I am completely weak and disheartened feeling sorry for myself. I have made a complete fool of myself several times by pestering him and hoping that just maybe he’ll take my sorry ass back. It’s not a good look I know and I feel sorry for myself, I really do but I can’t help it and like he asked, why him?
WHY HIM? A question I have asked myself several times and still ask myself even in this moment. He isn’t the finest man I’ve had relations with, he certainly isn’t the richest but I can’t help it. My heart is drawn to him like the pig is drawn to dirt. I am the pig and he is my dirt and I used the example of the pig because I have muddied myself in tons of embarrassments expressing my feelings to him every single time. If I were him I would probably block me for ever because it’s embarrassing.
He moved on with the girl I was scared of the whole of the relationship barely a month after we broke up.
This is a fight I doubt that I’ll ever win cos the heart want what it wants but I’ll learn to treasure the memories of what we had because I’m sure I’ll never let myself fall in love like this again. I hurts too much to even give it a try.
This is my almost fairytale, my happily never after. Love didn’t have to deal me the hard hand. It didn’t have to hurt this way and I’ll carry the scars with me forever.
It’s been 6 months since we broke up but I can’t get over him. I still love him and I still want him back