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I'm trying to fight for control in my life, same time, I am trying to make my path to claim and be the master of my life, having the most High as my source. I've had a messed up childhoods and other experiences coming up to my present age. I feel like I'm living a double life. People that know me from a distance admires me, wishes to be like me, claiming that that I smart, I am strong and daring. Deep down I know I am not smart, I am not strong, I am not daring but I am struggling to survive. People that are close to me disdain me. I don't have a healthy relationship with my Dad, I have foul relationship with my step sister. My step brother and cousin, our relationship is on pretence. My mom and I are having our backs together because we are both likely attacked Time to Time. Because we have weaker influence in the family. I tried to make good and healthy relationship with people but in all I was said to hurt them but I don't see my wrong. I only see their betrayal. I am the toxic. They just witdraw. Among the complains that some friend that claimed they want to make good impact on me. - I act like I know it all but I don't know anything. - I don't speak in clear language that's understandable to others but myself. - I got anger issue - I have volt jealousy battery. - I am disrespectful, rude, vulgar, dishonors and annoying as hell. - I am defensive and distant I have anxiety, mood and eating disorder. I am scared of making big move without approval. I find it difficult channeling my energy to something. I find it difficult accepting change, rejection