I’m filled with grief right now writing this, I ac

I’m filled with grief right now writing this, I actually got into a relationship early this year which I consider my greatest mistake till date after staying single for years, I don’t if he charmed me or something but I sure know it was desperation cuz he told me he had a girlfriend and I was to believe him when he said he would break up with her cuz of me. So it happened that I found myself being too attached with him to the extent I always think about him once I’m alone at anytime, anywhere, at first he was cool everything was going fine I felt loved and was happy about this feeling cuz I have never felt that kinda love in a relationship before, I even made the greatest sacrifice of my life giving him my and also sleeping over at his place even with the fact I’m still living with my parents I see myself cooking up lies and excuses to go please the man I love…. Later on I discovered changes like him stop calling me, him not allowing to touch his phone, excusing himself outside to make strange calls, him only calling or texting me when he wants me to come over to his place and I always made my self available, later on I discovered he was back and serious with his girlfriend again when I tried to talk to him about it he reminded me of him telling me about it before so I had nothing to say though I was heartbroken and tensed I had to talk to my friend about it she tried talking to him about it and he said he couldn’t leave his girlfriend I felt used and dump he said we should just be friends which wasn’t our deal at first but I’m deeply in love with him even with the fact he has put me through so much pain already, I even fell sick of all the crying, gnashing of teeth, pain, regrets, pity and hatred I feel for myself. I just wished he never came to me at first cuz I could possibly commit suicide anytime I keep reminding myself of all the shit have been at such a tender age I’m literally going crazy already though I haven’t broken up with me cuz I feel like I might end up dieing if I decide or he decides to break up. I need help I don’t usually like talking to people about me but I must say that I can’t this anymore I’m drowning, I’m shattered, I’m derailed, I’m confused I even hate myself for being fooled cuz this the first time I will ever act stupid in my life. I wanna die rn I’M TIRED😭😭😭😭