I used to be full of hope and energy before my university days, but I don’t where it all started to go south. I’m not good enough and nothing good comes my way. I don’t have money nor a peaceful family. My parents are likely to separate soon, I’m the first child and have 4 younger siblings so you can only imagine the pressure I’m feeling in this kind of situation. I have bad social anxiety so I’m basically lonely which is affecting my school life because due to this, I now have loads of carryovers and hardly attend classes because I don’t want to meet people.
I’m also struggling academically because not only is my social anxiety affecting me but the situation my family is in is also affecting me. I have very low confidence and when I love someone; I get betrayed in the end. It just feels like there’s something wrong with me that I can’t point out because nothing is going well for me. I don’t have an ambition nor destination.
I’ve lost interest in everything. I compare myself a lot that even when something good happens to a friend, I hesitate to congratulate them because I’m also thinking, why can’t the same happen to me, no matter how hard I try to be happy for that person, I keep having such thoughts which I hate myself for. My Father made me believe that I’m useless, Good at nothing and a complete failure.
If I think about it, it all started from him, he scolded me a lot for my mistakes and kept on pushing those believes in my head and now they’re stuck there. No matter how hard to speak positive affirmations to myself and stop harboring negative thoughts, it doesn’t work.
I’m extremely tired, lost and have no one to tell.
I can’t even tell my parents about my carryovers talk less of tell them that I’m depressed and I need money for a therapy session, I just know they won’t understand. No one ever understands me.
I’ve attempted suicide a lot in the past, but I stopped at one point when I started thinking of how bad it’ll affect my siblings but now, I don’t think I can live any further.
Anonymous
I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. It sounds like you have a lot going on all at once, which can be really exhausting finding ways to deal with them all by yourself. You are not alone and with the right support you get through these situations and come out strong.
Please, first seek the help of a mental health professional. You can talk in a safe space about your experiences and how it has affected your self-esteem, mental wellbeing and made want to harm yourself. Also, try reaching out to a relative or friend. Getting to tell someone who understands and can sympathize with what you might be beneficial too.
It is essential to take care of yourself; do things you enjoy and find fulfilling. This will have a major effect on your daily mood.
In the end, know that you have the courage and strength to handle the difficulties you are facing. I think you can achieve your goal of living a happy life if you have the necessary support so don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.