Hey um so I consider myself damaged. As a child, my family had this cousin staying over, he’s way older, like in his twenties and I was just eight and he’d call me over to his room and put his finger in. The first time he did it, he told me not to tell anyone. He never threatened me or anything and I never complained. Amongst my siblings, he was the most nicest to me and sometimes I willingly went into his room. It happened for a while.
When my step sister (she was probably in her twenties too and old enough to know better) found out, she caught him kissing me, she took us to our parents. I watched my cousin deny everything. It hurt because I said the truth and he made me a liar, it hurt even more because my step sister is kind of like a bad egg and my parents never listen to her. My mom said she was lying against the cousin who’s a son to someone from her side of the family. She made me call my step sister a liar who angrily went about telling everyone about it.
Trying to protect myself, I guess I had to keep on lying against my step sister by saying nothing happened. The cousin started hitting me at any chance he got and I couldn’t tell my mom about it. My step sister found out and constantly got into a fight with him until my dad had to send him away. It didn’t end there.
My other cousin who is staying with us as well visibly hates me….. She says things like I’m a slut or a prostitute and us being Christians, she talks about how unholy I am. I had to make my mom yell at her. I cried afterwards.
I stopped talking to my mom, I hated my dad, I had everyone and I spent most of my time indoors and writing. I didn’t make friends in school except my last year in senior high when I had a lot of girlfriends because of my amazing debate skills 🌝 any ways I lost those friends as well because I had a hard time communicating with anyone.
I got closer to my mom after high school but I still haven’t recovered from anything. I have a boyfriend that I’ve been seeing for three years and we’re suffering because of it. I tried to tell him but he doesn’t understand how it’s a big deal to me that I can’t talk to my parents or my siblings about anything. We decided to deal with our problems ourselves.
The cousin called me sometime few months ago and told me he loved me, I wanted to tell but all I could do was cut the call. I need an apology, I can’t get it from anyone. I feel like I did this to myself, I lied when I could have just come clean, I was eight. I really just need a break.
Truthshare
I am so sorry you have had to deal with such traumatic experience alone. Consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and abuse. They can provide a safe space to discuss your experiences, help you process your emotions, and guide you towards healing. They can also offer coping strategies and advice on how to navigate relationships and healing. It’s important to have open and honest conversations with your partner about your past trauma and its impact on your current relationship. Help him understand the significance of your struggles and the need for support.
If you feel ready, it may be helpful to have a conversation with your parents and siblings about the abuse you experienced. Be prepared for different reactions, as not everyone may respond empathetically or believe you at first. Make self-care a priority. Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you relax. This may include hobbies, exercise, meditation, or spending time in nature. Taking care of your emotional and physical well-being will aid in your healing process. Continue writing as a way to express your emotions and thoughts. Consider journaling, creative writing, or even seeking out writing workshops or groups where you can share your experiences and connect with others who have similar interests.
You were a child when the abuse occurred, and it is not your fault. The responsibility for the abuse lies solely with the cousin who perpetrated it. Be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion as you navigate your healing journey. Remember, seeking professional support is crucial in overcoming the trauma you experienced.