So my own issue is something I do not understand myself. I feel, I personally bury down my hurt and pretend I am okay with certain things until a familiar scenario triggers it.
I grew up in a household where I always believed I am not good enough. I always thought I was dull, I wasn’t beautiful, and I was stupid. To be honest, my family agrees with me because they think I am not so useful. They look down on me so many times and can be very controlling. They do not think I can make my own life decisions. My mother is worse. She thinks of all the worst scenarios and discourage me from being myself.
I remember growing and getting use to my point of view being tossed aside. I remember people misunderstanding me so much to the point I do not bother to explain myself anymore.
I have always had the mentality that something is wrong with me. Due to this, I find it difficult to get attached to people. But when I get attached , I find it difficult to leave. Then it looks like I am being obsessive. To get over a deep crush is like impossible for me right now. To get over regret, is like walking on sharp nails. I find it hard to get into a relationship because of this. I am scared my partner will see me as too sensitive or not good enough. My relationships barely last for 5 months. My longest is 5, to be honest. I have been in a scenario where I experience one sided love a lot. Aside that, the guys who approach me only request sex from me and nothing else. It is not my moral to just sleep with anyone.
This mentality has affected me a lot. I am rebellious, I get angry if people look down of me, I am very defensive, I feel strange if people compliment me or say I am smart, I get imposter syndrome a lot when I am given good offers etc.
Due to all this, I am scared to enter into a relationship. My insecurities might chase my partner away from me. The same way it chases the others.
I do not know what to do. I really need help.