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Hmmm,this is so hard but I have to do it. I really find it hard to express myself to people cos Number 1 I stammer and I'm also shy and I also feel like people will think I'm saying rubbish or I can't really think Put I just wanted to do this today,I never knew I was losing myself gradually and I realized today cos my friend said I've been off lately, I'm not there when she needed me and thats true cos I've lost interest in chats or even social media or even the things I enjoyed doing before which is watching Korean movies 😂😂 I can literally watch a whole series in a day but that has changed ,I was the type that loves to be online, like I'm always active 😂 but now I can go 3 days or weeks without social media. Will I say it Good or not lol? Hmm A 24 year old corper who doesn't know what she wants, what she enjoys doing the most, what she really wants to do cos all was always decided by my parents. The only thing I feel I did myself was getting into a relationship which later ended recently. My first relationship started in secondary school lol, the second was in university, a relationship of 3 years ended because I couldn't see him cos it was during covid 19 and I felt my parents won't allow me ,wale really really loved me and I loved him too but we had to end things cos I was making any moves to see him and one of the reasons was because I was scared he won't love me anymore maybe cos I've added weight. Funny right? Then my next relationship started when I was in 300l ,we were introduced. Everything was going smoothly,lovey dovey couple😂😂. Not until things started to change,he doesn't communicate with me,I don't feel like I was his best friend,he doesn't share things with me I literally hear things about him from his friend. I remember he got me a bag before we officially started,and funny enough that's the only bag or gift I received from him till we ended the relationship. Oh yeah he did my first birthday picnic for me at the beginning of the relationship. Everything was so nice in the beginning. I hardly asked him for things,he was going through some financial stuffs so I was trying to be understanding and I was always like he bought me a bag and also made celebrated my first birthday when he had the opportunity so let me just be patient. Oh I didn't mention he disVirgined me at age 23 ,lol last year. So I just love him maybe it's because he's the first guy I was serious with. I heard rumors about him being a flirt but I ignored cos the person who introduced us said he has changed. Like I said earlier,he changed, communication was totally off and the only time I feel close is when we are together and I feel like I was too available for him. And yeah I didn't mention earlier,I think I have low self esteem even when people tell me I'm pretty, curvy I'm not still confident. So back to the story,so last year,I finished and it was time to leave move back to Lagos ,which I always tell him and I felt he's cool cos he said he was going to stay in Lagos too,I finally left last year December,few days to Christmas and the second day I got home he stop replying my texts,lol we weren't having any issues but he just changed. I cried and cried infact I didn't enjoy the Christmas cos I was sad ,he stopped replying, but he's always online and he always post. So early this year I was needed to travel back to school for my certificate for NYSC I didn't even want to tell him I was coming but I didn't have a place to stay at that moment and I told him, he was happy, remember,we were having issues. So that moment he apologized and gave excuses that things weren't going well I mean business. I reckoned with him and we soughted it out that day . I even left for camp from his place. The third day I got to camp he started again, meanwhile I had the opportunity to date camps cos guys were all over me but I didn't cos I'm not the type to double date. My so called boyfriend didn't even know when I left camp , at a point I was so moody in camp cos of him. When I got back from camp it was the same things got worse ,we won't talk for days ,not that I'm not chatting or calling,he won't reply and he won't return my calls . It went on like that for some weeks until he apologized again and same old stories but he didn't change and he made a statement in his explanation he said 'I'm trying to use everyone in my life right now' but I didn't get that. Until I heard from the friend that introduced us that he now has a girlfriend e even before that, he's always posting her with reply my messages. Even on my convocation,he never congratulated me personally he posted a group picture of myself and I. So before I learnt he had a girlfriend,I reported him to his brother and he told him the distance,and when he said that I was surprised cos we discussed about the distance already that I will be coming cos I didn't want this to end like my ex. Still ye wasn't really in the relationship anymore so I told chatting him and we stopped talking till I messaged him one time and he said he's trying to focus on his life that he's loving himself more at this point that we have a lot ahead of us,lol I didn't know what that actually meant at that point. So recently I heard from my friend that he told he's brother I didn't want to work, like when I heard that I was so so so mad and sad cos this guy didn't even want my to serve now but I was so like I need to cos I need to work and make money I can't just say him and I remember even telling him I wanted to start a business but I needed capital, but he told me to chill for him , I remember even telling him I needed to get some jewelrys to sell in camp he couldn't offer any help and I also don't ask him for personal things, this guy only paid for my hair once in our 2 years relationship. I was always doing things myself and he had the guts to even say I didn't want to work and that was when I made up my mind to just end things with him. And yeah I didn't mention,he cheated and once not twice and I still forgave him. Anywaysssss he's in the past now but I just felt like that's affected me a lot, he's always after me not adding too much so I was always being careful there was even a day he said it in front of his friend that my tummy was getting big and at that time I was bloated cos of period, I was so so embarrassed and angry and he didn't he noticed that or even feel that was wrong. So recently I just feel like there's nothing to do on social media I'm just so all about work even though it's draining and I stop replying people's chat and yeah I also downloaded dating apps which I stopped replying matches too and I've even lost interest. I'm just feeling alone ,I don't go out. I'm currently serving from home so even my parents are adding to it cos they want me to always do what they want even when it's inconvenienting me cos I work Monday to Friday and I'm always tired after work and I come home late too . My mum doesn't even consider I need my own time too ,she thinks she can till continue to tell me what to do all the time even when I've always listened to her all these years, even the idea of serving from home was he decision which I wasn't aware of. I've literally tried to make her understand I'm an adult now she can't continue to make decisions on my behalf. I've declined so many invites to go out with my friends cos I changed my mind dime minutes not to go out any and I don't know why cos I really need to start going out 😭.