I don’t even know what to write anymore or a bit s

I don’t even know what to write anymore or a bit sense how to put it. After reading about what others are going through even I feels like a fraud cus how do I justify feeling depressed.
But the truth is people sees some aspect of your life (through their perspective) and judge you it, they believe only a certain set of people get to feel sad, depressed or suicidal and that’s why I find it hard to fully express my feeling with anyone.
Maybe they are right cause some times I don’t even know why I felt this way why I feels like ending everything, I’m I just weak, is it spiritual, or is it all just me wanting to punish myself. Anyways, this is my story
I grew up without any parents, well I had my grandma at that time but she always traveled also. My mum is in the USA ever since I was 2 years old, I never knew my dad. So technically, I live with a with a lot of people (so-called family friends) and different places, my childhood is not something I am fond of remembering. I think this environment and no proper parental or Guidance care leave a negative impact on me.
So during my childhood and teenager age I was not in the best state mentally but I accepted my reality and maybe I try to put blame on something else like the environment, my parents esp my mum, and people around me. But I knew it was not my fault, most of the bad decision that got me to where I was then was made for me, especially my mum (while being influenced by others) so for so long I blamed her even though I knew she wanted what was best for me. Don’t get me confused, I knew she loves me and trying her best to give me the life she wants for me, the things is she don’t always listen to my and always misunderstood me. Imagine having a mother that feels like a stranger, a mother you can’t talk to without resorting to argument. Now imaging not having a father also and anyone close to a father figure, no sisters or brothers, no aunt or uncle, no friends (real), I don’t know any of my cousins then (they are all in USA). Only people I had around me are those that just want to benefit from me/my mum because she lives abroad ( and a lot of people do scam us and extort from us but that’s another story). Anyways , I had my grandma, she is the only family I knew but the she die. So the problem is I FELT LONELY. So you guess it I tried to fill that hole with relationship, friends (let me add that I am an introvert so I select a few people to friend with, I gave them my trust and care but…) but they left me also broken and scattered. Now I am not just feeling lonely anymore I FEEL LIKE A CANCER. And I keep fucking spreading!!!

And beside everything I just told you, there is this blame also. Recall I said when I was teenager I blamed my mum and other things…
But now I’m older and I those decisions a