Hi am a 23 year old female, and I need someone to

Hi am a 23 year old female, and I need someone to talk to. Growing up i have always been different, I was born with SCD. Tho it has never weighed me down or made me feel different but it did limit alot of things in my life. Sometimes I try to imagine what I would be like with out SCD, how I would act and how I would feel. I like reading novels and I used to imagine things like how my life would be like or just basically make up a story of random people in my head like a novel kind of(I hope that makes sense). I don’t know why but I haven’t been able to get a grip of my self, how to act or what to say. I just do things (with a clear conscience) without thinking and later I regret them because it doesn’t make sense to other people or am told it wasn’t right and then it makes me feel less. My elder sister has always been the star child, everyone has to follow her lead. She alway gets it right.
And I feel I could never measure up. I have always been told what to do, the choices they think is good for me, and when am asked what I want it’s like everyone feels I will make a mistake and no one wants to give me the chance to make that mistake or prove I won’t, so I just tell them what they want to hear and keep repeating it to myself until I believe that is what I want. I feel like I will never be good enough and I will never be able to Stand on my own or be my own person, I feel like a wandering soul living in a body.

I have always been scared of confrontations, am scared my opinion or what I think is correct will turn to be wrong or silly or i will say the wrong things and the other person will laugh. So I chose to keep quite and accept the other person’s judgement. Maybe it’s because I have always been praised for my obedience and quietness now am scared of displeasing others.

Am currently in a relationship with someone 14years older than I am. And he loves me, he treats me right and makes me feel safe, I love him so much. But I feel he is a bit controlling, he always wants to right. He is stable and that’s good for me but since I got admitted into the university I have gained a little control over my life, a little freedom and I feel he is trying to take that away.
I understand he wants someone stable and I understand that people around my age have got it together and they are in control but am not and I want to take my time to grow and develop and I feel he should understand but it seems he wants to rush me, he wants me to be who he wants me to be not who I want to be. We are always going to have different opinions on things but he makes me feel my opinion doesn’t matter cause he is older and has more experiences than I do. I love him and don’t want to disappoint him or be less the woman he deserves because he deserves the best from me but I want some control over my life I want to enjoy life and do what makes me happy.

How do I do that without sounding like I want to be irresponsible to people? How do I do that without feeling like a child to him?