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PART 2 here In 400lvl something happened, it totally caught me off. guards, it was Still COVID 19 period and we were doing online schooling, we had to come in to write physical exams and my antigens tested positive to the antigen test, I had to be isolated and wrote exams there I don't know what happened but it happened that the first 2 exams that I wrote there, I didn't get up to 50 So I had an E and that means I had to rewrite. My world crashed, I will have to pay for Summer, I couldn't bring myself to tell my parents, I prayed I fasted, Infact I went to authorities My friend joined me we fought but I was just stopped by one particular woman when I got the opportunity to see the dean, this woman ridiculed me in front of the dean and the HODs saying I am struggling, a 2.1 student (despite the carry overs) is struggling Ah, Omo I didn't give up went to student support infact I kept on pushing Infact a meeting was held because of me saying I disrespected the dean and HODs but I couldn't tell my mom later asked for the results and she saw it she too was scared to tell After all the ridicules, pain and all. After 500lvl my father got to know Because my name wasn't on the graduation list I couldn't talk, it was so serious that he told my mom to look for the school fees It was hard I felt so broken, I felt betrayed I was like but I did all for God and I just expected him to show up but nothing I couldn't pray, I was depressed a bit I sha wrote but was unable to graduate with my mates. It is still something my father used to hurt me, I honestly just wanted to make a point that I could also become something, I just wanted to prove that I am not what he called me but no, so the pain was there. Now to a very great mistake that is just making me relive all the pain, after the exams I went straight for NYSC and that was where I kind of started seeing these patterns. So I was posted to benue, I had to fly,he paid for the flight to Abuja and I had to take bus from Abuja to benue During the stay because of constipation,I couldn't eat camp food so I was buying food.. When I was coming back, my mom said she had to gather the money for flights together infact it was a loan that he said he wasn't paying . The money wasn't enough even for the flight . I thought to borrow money and add to it that when they pay me allawee, for the next month to pay back. So I went to these loan apps I wasn't even informed, well just did it And that's how I got into trouble because by 7 days I had to pay back with a ridiculous amount of interest and now, I started borrowing from one app to another. I got neck deep I couldn't pay again, they called my dad first time and then was like 30k with everything He abused, reported me to someone and after much apologies paid. But ah, it was more and I couldn't say at some point, my mom got involved and it waa messy Infact there was nothing I was using the money to do, it was just collecting to repay and I was afraid they will call my contacts. Na so 5million naira go o It was messy, my parents obituary posted, I was scammed while looking for solutions, my mom was the one paying , she entered debts too I almost killed myself, this just happened last Year. My father said a lot, I was beating up myself but I realized how much I detested being at his mercy, I prefer to beg than to ask him for something Then I realized, I had the survival Spirit So I got into a relationship, like 3 years now, and he is amazing, infact he is keen on marriage even during the debt wahala, he was available angry but available. I recently realized that I feel like I am in a competition with him I am a graphics designer He is a web designer, he gets gigs and I just see myself feeling less, beating myself up Not even just with him, with my mates Infact it has become like I am desperate just to make it Some situations are surrounding my law school and my father is someone who won't allow you just do anything I am back home now but I feel so stucked, I started a program, professional diploma in education just to pass time, I am in my second semester while I wait for law school but I constantly feel like my financial freedom is the ability to get out of this bondage and it is becoming heavy I am feeling constantly tired I don't see myself practicing law, although he forced me to intern at a firm, so juggling all together But I am just constantly tired mentally Just like a moving robot Yesterday I had a break down, as a requirement for the PDE course, I am to do a 3 months teaching practice and I am doing that currently, at the school where I am doing the tp, I noticed a student isn't performing well and I called her for a discussion and I learnt she was raped, she is a orphan and a lot is going on, for days I couldn't sleep because i wanted to help her but could you believe i couldn't even remember her name yesterday. I felt bad My mind is tired, I feel exhausted I dont know what is happening Even in my relationship, I feel he will just up ans leave one day That maybe he is just deceiving me I am constantly afraid that maybe I won't amount to anything like my father is saying Maybe I am not doing enough that's why I am not making it Maybe this maybe that I don't know This is not what I want I am constantly afraid of being the light to others and becoming a shadow of myself I don't know how to explain it but I am not enjoying myself My guy loves me even with my weight, low key I love my weight too(not that it is affecting my health or anything), infact I carry myself very well but I am still constantly judged, looked down upon because of how I look. And it is tiring All these are just affecting me I know I need therapy but I honestly can't afford it now. At times something might just trigger a memory and I am already moody, teary and all I feel burdened