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It sounds incredibly challenging and painful to deal with those physical sensations whenever you interact with your father. That must be really tough to bare. How did this start? are you close to your father or is this as a result of resentment towards him?

I dont really know how to say it, if we were close or not, but he worked in another state while we the family are in a different state including mum. we do see our dad once in 2 to 3weeks when he comes to spend the weekend and leaves as soon as possible. yes my mum works too but I mean she still crest time for us. Mind you I am the first child and daughter I have 3 younger siblings too. so from little I have watched my dad be so verbally abusive towards my mum, he misbehave to the point I have watched him been physical on her from the first I could remember I was barely 8yrs old then as soon as I know he is about to start, I hold my younger once and take them out to my neighbors I watcher my mum plead and beg, most times it's her shedding blood and e will lock her out. I on the other hand will rush out to call a nurse to take my mum to treat her while I go through the back window of my mums room tear out the window net and try to use a stick to pick cloths for her to wear. all this are bcos my mum has a programme she wants to attend in church

was pained but yet I can't talk, or take any action, in my heart I would say but you met this woman a church and praying lady and you still came for her. or if my mum notices he was with a lady bcos he was a chronic womanizer if she dares confront him thats it for her,Now whe will deal with her to the last. after taking few cloths I can get from the window I will get them to her and tell her to go to her programme that I will be fine with the kids I made sure she never saw me I ain rather I made her smoke and gave her joy even when as a child something else was going on inside me. when we got to secondary school, she quit her job to have time for us, aside my mum my dad always leaves a mark on me each of his return, he beats and calls me all sort of name so verbally abusive to wards every1 he does not weigh his words or care how it will affect any1. 👇

one time my mum wanted to surprise him and ask me to follow her to see my dad at his place in the state he works, I was glad we have never been to my dads work environment. one getting there lo and behold he was with a lady on bed so angrily my mum chases her out and acted like she wanted to go get cane to flog her or something so the lady ran off. Can you believe my dad asked me to wait outside he want to talk to my mum, I acted like I went away to play immediately he closed the door I stood behind I could hear him hiring her her screem pierced me so bad I had to walk out of there I should be 12/13 then. so I saw a little girl my age who wanted to play with me so I followed her up, and you know how children talk carelessly I will never forget the words that girl said. she asked is that your daddy I said yes, she said but the uncle use to say he is not married and dies not have a family that is what he told my mummy and I laughed.

mind you if you enter the house there is no sign he is married or has a family he was living a single man other there. years past the anger I feel when ever he talks to any of us in a bad manner I get that feeling in my throats that to the extent I will be struggling to catch my breath but I never told any1 about it. fast forward to when I was matured I think my SS2 I sat my mum and talked to her

hi i am sorry I can't go further I feel so pained and hurt right now I might continue some other time. I just have to take a moment and yes I am 30yrs old now