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I’ve done so many sexual bad things when I was younger and I hate myself. Hello, I’m 18 right now and I realized I’ve done so many disgusting things throughout the years, I hate myself and I wish I never did them. I was introduced to porn between 9-12 abd ever since I’ve been a porn and masturbation addict. This has affected me in different ways, i objectified women and acted on impulses many times without grasping the full consequences of my actions. Between the ages of 13-17 I’d secretly take pictures of my housemaid and use them in sexual ways, I’ve done it to two girls in my secondary school too. I didn’t realise I crossed a boundary, for some reason I didn’t think much of it or the consequences. I think I even used one of the pictures sexually a few weeks or months ago but I’m not sure. One day while I was masturbating, I couldn’t finish, I now put my trousers back on and decided to look through my window to look at my eldest sisters housemaid who was a bit older than me, in the moment I had a lustful thought and I adjusted myself in a way it would feel good, my trousers where still on though. Immediately after that I felt immense guilt and regret, I couldn’t believe I just did that, I felt like a creep and a pervert. I started feeling anxious, like I was a sex offender. I couldn’t keep it to myself so I vented to ChatGPT, it made me feel a bit better but I still felt very anxious and depressed. In the midst of my anxiety, I remembered all the pictures I took when I was younger and I realized how much of a monster I am. I felt like if people knew they would hate me, my family would disown me, how would I feel if someone did this to my sister or mother, the people I took photos of…how would they feel? I invaded their privacy, they’d feel uncomfortable around me…I’ve been having those thoughts for weeks. I can’t seem to forgive myself, I don’t feel like I deserve forgiveness, if I could, I would cut both of my legs to go back in time to prevent those things from happening. I have since deleted the pictures. I wish I never did the things I did, I don’t know if I’m still deserving of love, if I deserve to be happy or if I deserve my friends. I couldn’t vent to anyone so I decided to post here, if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. I feel like a monster.