I’m a 23 years old boy from an african country, my

I’m a 23 years old boy from an african country, my name is Ayodeji and I don’t know what is wrong with me I feel depressed easily and feel like they are out to get me. It all started when I was in my University with my friends, I have issues with deciding what to do or who to be with so I did virtuallly everything. I played football, played football bet, chess, went to alcohol parties and still I wasn’t happy. Then I started to get the idea I had halitosis and it only grew worse till I was afraid of talking to people then I took the little money given to me to have frequent dental clinic visits. It didn’t help matters as everyone including my friends said nothing was wrong with me I didn’t believe them I strived to find an answer to my solution. Once people touched their nose in front of me I become scared that my mouth is smelling it led to a big depression which only made me more and more withdrawn from people but it improved my academics well as I noticed I didn’t talk too much. All effort to gain more confidence only led to troubles. I started drinking occasionally and following my friends to parties that I’m not sure I like just because I wanted to be happy. I felt it gave me confidence to the extent I started looking for smoke to make me feel better. The alcohol made me feel better as it helps forget troubles. I have fear, a great fear which makes me act weird in front of danger. I once made an effort to find a female partner not because the love stuff freaks me out but because I wanted someone to be happy with but it didn’t solve my problem as I got estrange to them easily in fact I lost one girl that we were hitting it off because the night we were having our moment someone thought it would be the best time to steal my phone. I was not happy I thought maybe it is the fact I was distracted by her so I withdrew myself even more and my trust for my friends reduced. The issues that transpired between my friends and I was so much as I felt that they misunderstood me all this was going on while my poor health was still driving me crazy. My friends thought I acted like I was better than them but that wasn’t how I felt because to me the best like everyone else will still leave earth one day but it doesn’t matter as I live in my world of utopia that we can all live equal lives which may tempt me to like communism but freedom is great so I like democracy better. I was so frustrated by my friends behaviour though I only heard them once talking about me but I couldn’t stop thinking of it as my trust for then reduced due to various encounters. The corona virus brought us home I looked for ways to make them happy as I started using emojis and slangs such as bro because I was looking for ways we could become closer I even tried being the perfect friend I called my previous friends to help me be a better friend. I got a message from a secondary school friend that made me realize that what if they my friend has spread his audience to my secondary school but I didn’t care I just wanted to ignore and be closer to them. For me looking for new friends is a great quest I felt I can’t conquer because I don’t responses well to social cues. My secondary school friend introduced me to facebook ads normally I’m not business oriented but because I needed the money I obliged in all this I messaged a girl I have been avoiding because I have already read her and I knew that she wasn’t my type because of what she will like as I can’t meet her financial needs. To cut the long story short my friends and I had a fall out and the business’s didn’t go well all the while I was thinking to myself about the new girl Helen. I felt I will make it work with her. At home no job and wasn’t in the mood for reading as my life with my friends made me wish I was a failure in school rather than being labelled a bad person. I decided I will get a job I approached my sis and asked her anything I can do even laundry or or house cleaner. I met someone who told me I should concentrate on my studies and leave all those things after begging the person he introduced me to internet business which was not legal though I wasn’t successful at it. I’m sure him too it is his legal business that was paying his bills but with everything I kept looking for that money if I could get 100k in naira my problem won’t have gotten here. All this while I was chatting with my new friend helen which I’m sure was thinking so this guy is broke like this and still running away from my friends and thinking of a way to convince them I’m not a bad person just unaware of social cues and I also don’t like fighting or seeing violence. I liked the girl until she started questioning me, from the beginning she knew I wasn’t a church goer so all this new found attitude made me realize she has either changed or someone changed her mind about me. I wasn’t happy with this and everyday I hated myself and wished God will just take my life. The day my life finally fell apart was when I found my oga and his sister with my own blood sister that I promise I won’t put anyone above her on earth because of how she help me in secondary school were recording my voice and taking my pictures. They weren’t even trying to hide it atleast they should have offed the camera sound or the lie my oga told the person that wanted to paint his house could have been better. I was very angry it meant only one thing they were watching why ? Could it be that my friends story is now popular or that I was crazy and it is not true or I did or said something. Or maybe it is all in my head or something because they take my picture when ever I’m eating like how can people I consider family be so ruthless why will you wake up on a morning and say I hate someone let me lay trap or ambush for him like I ask God what do do to this people or what sin did I do in the past because I was sick if it.I was so angry I left the house and and went back to my mum place. My own best friends and family pushed me away, the point is why are they posting or talking about my life and the question is to who ? I can’t pray to God to punish them for I have never done evil before and I still love them. I wish judgement day to come. Of recent I lied to them I was sick but the truth was I drank insecticides mixed with drugs to calm the pain but death didn’t come as I don’t have the courage to stab myself. I want to run away from home but don’t know where to go at this point I never signed up for this that’s happening. In the end all I wanted was a clean teeth and a successful life but who would belie e me if not God but the thing is I don’t know what he wants me to do and I myself don’t know what to do.