I have been sliding in and out of depression in th

I have been sliding in and out of depression in the last 13 months.
I guess I have exhausted every iota of strength in me.
I have gotten to a point in my life were the only reason I don’t have the courage to commit suicide is because of my son.
It is hard.. just hard.
I have always been there for everyone but that’s all I am good for.
My background has not helped matters. My parents built every form of inferiority complex into me to the extent that I am always willing to please people just so they could like me. Yet, they like me enough for my free services
I have avoidant personality disorder and it breaks me each time it comes up in my social behaviour because I know that wasn’t who I was meant to be.
I hear stories from my childhood and they are stories of a smart and socially bold toddler but my parents felt that was a wrong way to be a Christian firstborn and female child.
They broke me with words. Always telling me how other kids were better than I am. The public scolding, the starvation, and I had to lie against myself one time like that because I wanted the beating to stop.
I’m married to a man that leaves in his own world. I could cry my eyes out yet he wouldn’t notice. He is aiming to be a pastor but he is so disconnected from me.
He tends to use nasty words when angry and I have started living in fear.
I guess the trauma of my background is not helping matters in handling his words.
I live with so many uncertainty.
Financially, I have tried all and I mean all I can and could but I end up in debts.
I have questioned in prayers if I’m under a curse.
Right now, I have debts running into $3000 and my husband has been out of job since January.
I run several jobs as well as sell whatever is able for sale.
I’m overwhelmed.
My mum’s health is not so good yet I can’t afford to do a thing about it.
I feel like a failure really.
I have tried unsuccessfully to launch online with my skills but no success.
Due to my inferiority complex, I avoid those doing something similar as what I do. I just don’t want to reminded that I’m failing.
While I hear people advise networking as a career and business solution, I wish I had the courage to reach out without feeling less of myself.
I have a good heart. People tell me all the time but why isn’t it paying off like it should?