Where do I start writing from? Well, I am me. Rec

Where do I start writing from?

Well, I am me. Recently, I started having this feeling of inadequacy and incompleteness. Should I say emptiness that I cannot even figure our how to start filling.
Let me tell a bit of my story and see if someone can actually see anything from the outside of me.
I was born into a polygamous lineage. I mean, my immediate family is a polygamy with about 8 different families in total, out of which 4 are “legitimate”. In all, we are about 21 children.
My mom is from a polygamous family. She is the overall first child and the only surviving child of her own mother in this poor polygamy of two families with 10 children altogether.

My father on the other hand is also from a polygamy of two families with 11 children.
Mother and father are in the actual sense unschooled, ignorance and never leaved as a family (in any sense of it).

Fortunately or unfortunately for myself and my two sisters, our uncaring father died when I was 9. 3 years, my two sisters 5.9 and 1.8 years.

Growing up with mom not having anyone to run to for help was through the street and every Junction, every park, every market on every petty trading that could earn us a leaving.

Not minding the background, I had a dream of going to school and changing the story.
It’s said that when the heart is willing, the earth usually make a way. My uncle came through to assist in his own capacity from post Primary upwards. Nonetheless, it was struggle and hardship all through primary, secondary, tertiary and now a nobody. Nobody would ever treat you like your parents even though my father was no father. Uncle frequently said he owe me no responsibility and can only assist when he ‘can’. More over, my own father never supported him. It wasn’t easy coming through the struggle and huddle without parental guiding nor any kind of mentor as such except occasional advice from elders and Uncles. Mom and circumstances had through the young days made us docile and complacent. Hence we accept virtually everything through at us by the universe and her elements. I can remember my friends calling me park dog because I was in every park morning till night hawking. There’s no street menial job you can think of that I didn’t go through growing up.

I have done several things to find my footing in the world of the noble. But all attempt rubs it on my face that I am not a noble, not good enough to be crowned a king. I wasn’t raised in anyway noble. So I am a stranger in the things of the noble. The feeling is haunting but giving in or giving up to the desire of changing the end of the this story will never let me allow it to end in this tone. Yet, I must say that I am facing the most depressing moment of my life. It’s really difficult on me. And I kind of don’t seem to believe that the me that motivate and talks friends out of depression and low self Esteem is suffering from both at the same time.

I can’t really put it all in writing because a lot have happened since I graduated in 2018. I had joined a political movement in support of a returning governor immediately after defending my degree project. We work day in day out. Under the rain, and sun. Slept in hotels. Dodged bullets and crawl inside gutters to stay safe while campaigning and projecting our candidates. We thought it would rain in our lives after all. But it haven’t.
Then I left for youth service. Led several groups. Taught my mates and school children. Worked for church in differing capacities. But none of them yielded anything that could put me on the track.
Came back from service only to face emptiness and that feeling of worthlessness by rejection and dejection. Have applied for countless number of jobs but few called for interview. The few I got are worthless as they can’t put food on my table nor get me a place to rest my head. So I can’t even concentrate on the job. That was how I lost the first after missing out for two consecutive times. Then the second pays peanut. I guess I lack the right skill to earn me a place plus the economic downturn in the country. Our education system prepares us for idleness or nothingness especially when it has to do with non professional courses.
I started several classes but couldn’t finish because there is no money and nothing free is enough to prepare anyone. Most of my skills are free skills except my degree certificate. I feel they aren’t good enough. But I am the one helping others do some of the things they do where they are. Why am I just not getting it right. Why is it so hard on me.
Currently, I am out of accommodation as my cousin has just said he can’t keep accommodating me. What can 20k job do for a graduate who has no place to lay his head in a place where the cost of leaving is so high.

I didn’t say. I studied philosophy. I was raised from a traditional background till my father’s death when we started leaving a neutral live. Nonetheless, I kept the faith up till I lost faith believing in anything. So all through my studies from 2015 till recently (perhaps even now) I was a none believer. But I just turn the leave and joined a church. Yet I feel so empty that the void in me seem like only void, nothingness or death can fill it. I just want a new life. I want to leave everyone and everything I have known except my mother and siblings to somewhere strange where I can start a new live. I want to run away from the current me. The me that I am today is not the me I ever wanted. And I so much hate that me now.

I just want a new live. Even if it’s this live, I new way of living it.

This could be confusing but the issue is basically a career problem and not life. So despite mixing it, I know that my source of depression is not having a place to reproduce myself. The real me, the me I want to be is a nation builder, a leader who critically researches the problem of the society and directs data of facts and thought into positive use to help the society. But how do I start doing that when I can’t even feed, cloth nor house myself?
So, I just need a career direction and hopefully a support to start a life of my own.