Hi everyone, this is my first time writing here. I

Hi everyone, this is my first time writing here. I don’t know if anyone will relate to this but I feel like I should say it. For the past three years I have been battling something. I don’t want to diagnose myself but I have been having toxic and persistent and unhealthy and crippling intrusive thoughts. I don’t know what thoughts are mine anymore, I don’t know who I am and what my values are anymore. I have bad anxiety and I can’t speak in public my voice becomes inaudible when I step outside sometimes I get very paranoid too I doubt those close to me. I feel like they are out to get me, I feel like everyone is perverted, everyone is lying. I am scared. I am in college right now and I breakdown at multiple times. I don’t think I have the mental strength or capacity to carry on. I am in my Junior year. My dad abandoned my family and I when I was 15 . I have always felt like it might have stemmed from that. I also have sickle cell disorder. My intrusive thoughts are more crippling than my SCD. I don’t think I will ever do anything my intrusive thoughts project. I am having disgusting thoughts and I can’t say or write it. I tried opening up to my mom but she doesn’t understand and she is like the typical African parent who uses what you say against them . Before you judge me, I am not saying anything against her but I don’t understand anything. I have tried trust me to take my life on several occasions but it didn’t work. I’m still trying to find other ways to do it. I’m burdened. My father is also manipulative but pays only 70% of my fees. The rest is shouldered by uncles and grandma. They are also responsible for my and my family’s feeding and accommodation and my younger sister’s fees. My dad hasn’t paid her fees for five years, she is in grade 10and doesn’t plan on doing so and he stopped paying mine in grade 10 and also didn’t pay for my secondary school final exams, my uncles shouldered that too. He only pays 70% of my college tuition because he forced me to that particular university, no allowance, no feeding or clothing and so I am constantly reminded that I am treated “better” than my sister and I shouldn’t behave badly to him or mention his abusive and manipulative nature too much so he can continue paying. I am disturbed, I hate my mind , I have tried to just feel better but I can’t. I have those thoughts and I don’t know how to react, Are these my thoughts? Are these really mine? Am I just pretending that I am disturbed so I won’t be caught for my disgusting thoughts. I have screamed and cried every days in pain and there is no difference in everything. If I could receive a lifetime of physical excruciating pain in return for a peaceful mind or even permanent amnesia to forget all these thoughts I would. I can’t do this anymore. I am tired. I want to get help but I can’t even get help. I always pray to get hit by a truck or something or just off myself. I don’t even have friends and if I did they wouldn’t understand, the ones I thought I did don’t consider me one. I’m embarrassed everytime by people asking me “Don’t you talk” “Who are your friends” “You are very quiet” . There is this particular lecturer that embarrassed me in the presence of 60 other students asked me to come from the corner of the class where I was sitting to the front of the class and also I usually sit in the front row seats but that particular day there was no seat. He also asked me that why don’t I have friends and that I am too quiet and I should pick two friends beside me and he has “assigned” me to them. This was even more uncomfortable because this particular lecturer or professor called me to his office and made me uncomfortable by asking me very personal questions, saying he wants to be close to me by being my friend. I should have his number. Thank God nothing happened. I’m afraid. I have ruined my relationship with the only person that understands me and doesn’t judge me, GOD. He is calling me but I don’t know how to go back to him. I’m filthy I am filthy. Do you know it is to hear something vile like when you are saying something in your head and it’s on repeat and it doesn’t and you want it to stop and you don’t like the words you hear. I hate this. I was never extremely introverted or overthinking or paranoid with anger issues like this. I was happy I was happy. I was not loud or outspoken , I was still an introvert but I was happy . I was content. Problems came along, it was tough but it was not this bad, I didn’t feel like I wanted my head to explode. My father was cheating but my head was still okay. My mother changed because of her problems but I was okay….. Maybe I never was okay. Everything changed about three years ago or would I say it got worse since my last year in high school. I’m not a good person, friend, daughter, sister and that’s why I’m abandoned and don’t have friends and I am going mad because I don’t check up on my friends and they don’t check up on me. They don’t check up on me because they have told me that I am an antisocial or in their words a “sadist” . I have heard that word too many times. I hate myself so much. I hate myself so much. I know one day my wish will be granted my wish to die. I am sorry I am starting to sound like an attention seeker. I know the rest of my life is going to be painful and miserable. I don’t have anything and I won’t have anything. I just want happiness and peace of mind. I just want to get rid of those thoughts. I just want help from this potential OCD . I just want help. Help me. Help me. I feel like I am dying