It hurts me that I can’t love my mother. I relate with her better when we are not in the same physical space. Whenever we are in the same physical space, I am infuriated from within. I can’t help being cranky and irritated at everything she says or does. I am unforgiving of her mistakes and inadequacies. Meaningless things. . . All of this is because I can’t seem to move from the pain, hurt and trauma of the past that she put me through whether intentionally or not. Things she did that hurt me as a kid till I was a full grown adult. I basically revolted naturally and all my good feelings for her collapsed and fell to zero and the negative side of zero. When she’s goes back, I feel bad that I didn’t treat her better but I can’t help it. There’s zero energy. I have nothing left to give her emotionally. I look at her and I only see the woman who contributed a lot to me being a damaged adult. I see disappointment. I see someone who I can’t rely on or can’t be there for me. I know she tries sometimes. But I can’t help feeling like if I didn’t turn out well, she’d be happy to judge me, that feeling alone invalidated any thing that looks like love from her. I feel so much pity for her but I can’t even make love happen again. I wish I could. Is there something I could do
Truthshare
You seem to be holding a lot of sadness and pain from your mom’s past interactions with you. It makes sense that these emotions are having an effect on your connection with her right now. It’s crucial to recognize that recovering from prior traumas can be difficult and that it takes time and effort.
You need to talk to a professional counsellor in a nonjudgmental environment about your traumas and experiences. So, they can help you find ways to handle your emotions and improve your relationship with your mom.
Try to forgive her too; you mustn’t necessarily forget what she must have put you through, but it helps take away all the negative emotions you feel around her. It is a great way to start your healing journey. Also, find other ways you can connect with her that does not involve being in the same space always or for too long as talking to her on the phone or engaging in activities you both enjoy.
Put in mind that healing is a journey, and it is okay if it takes time but in the end with consistent effort; you will be able to build a healthier relationship with your mom.