Right from when I was young, I’ve always felt unloved and unwanted in my family. It was like I was the black sheep and I fought so hard to receive validation from my siblings and my mom. My parents got a divorce when I was barely one because my dad was an abuser, he would hit and hurt my mom till she was bleeding or almost dead.
I used to feel so resentful towards everybody because asides the fact that a parent was missing in my family, my family was so dysfunctional, and I hated the fact that we couldn’t be a normal family like everyone else.
I hated my childhood so much because I was bullied by my best friend and my other classmates, I was also sexually assaulted by a family friend (I’ve never told this to anyone), also I fought so hard to be accepted by my classmates in my new school.
I remember going to church, asking God to make my mom love me or to kill me – I’ve always been suicidal since I was little.
I used to think all these did not have an effect on me, but it did, big time.
Last year – I was 16, I started having serious insomnia, it wasn’t a consistent pattern though, it could start any time, then last for about 3 weeks, then my sleeping pattern goes back to normal.
This year, I started doing research on various mental health illnesses, trying to figure out what was wrong with me, because I had problems in communicating my feelings with people because I felt that whatever I said would be used against me later on ( there are various instances when I was still a child, whenever I told my family how I was feeling and all, they found a way to turn it until it somehow became my fault, maybe that was the reason), also I have issues with maintaining close relationships with people.
I do have friends but it’s like a surface level relationship, also I don’t like to be touched, even of it’s just a hug – especially by guys and because of this, one of my classmates asked me what I had against guys, if I had been raped or assaulted sexually and that was when I remembered that I have, because I’ve tried to block that memory, hoping that I would forget, but it turned out I didn’t.
I think the reason I didn’t tell anyone that I was sexually assaulted was because I was scared that I was going to be blamed somehow, or that they might believe me and take action against the person and I was going to feel guilty about it. The assault wasn’t a one – time thing, btw and I was just 7 when it happened.
So, last month, I went to my school’s hospital, hoping I would get a doctor’s prescription for sleeping pills, but the doctor ended up asking me series of personal questions and she told me that she felt I had “generalized anxiety disorder” or “bipolar affective disorder” then, she referred me to a mental health specialist.
The specialist was a man, I expected him to ask me follow up questions but he kept asking me questions on substance abuse, which I found irritating because it was like he had the notion that I was taking substances , I told him I wasn’t ( because I actually wasn’t) but I don’t think he believed me. I just didn’t feel like he was competent and I found it really hard to answer most of the questions honestly. In the end, he diagnosed me with major depressive disorder, prescribed medications and told me to go back the next week to know if the medications were working but I didn’t go, I also didn’t buy the prescribed drugs… I honestly don’t know why.
I just hate myself and life, and I feel like I’ve numbed myself from a lot of emotions and most people call me “the ice queen” maybe because I haven’t like anyone in over three years or because I’m not very keen about guys.
I’m sorry if my right up is too long, or not making a lot of sense, I just don’t know what to do, I’ve lost my will to live long ago, my siblings tried reaching out to my dad but it was futile, my mom and I have gotten closer but that was because of what my siblings did (an entirely different story), the lines just seem blurry.