So I’ve been feeling sad cause of a number of thin

So I’ve been feeling sad cause of a number of things: I’ve been feeling like I’ve been a disappointment to all: God my parents and everyone. I used to have a good relationship with God but it just started fading and becoming dry. I started feeling bad that I can’t find myself again; feeling numb, like I want to die. I’m too cowrdly to die so I guess I’ll just watch my life and see where it goes. But I feel very numb I force myself to smile even though I don’t mean it. I feel very sluggish and feel like I should just freeze, or curl up in a corner and remain there.
Secondly, M 21 and I’ve been having a clash if opinions with my conservative preacher parents. The things they say are not good enough for a christian, I see no wrong. E.g, they’re very conservative about dressing what a girl should and should not do and all. Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents but I feel I’m old enough to make my choices. But it’s apparently not so for them cos I’m still under their roof. This is why I always lament about the over dependence of Nigerian Kids on their parents; it makes some parents think they’ve got total control over them So I’m in a fix; are my parents wrong? Should I follow my heart’s desires? Or are they right? Are my heart desires wrong? Am I loving the world and hating God? Why can’t I feel God anymore? Am I backsliding? I just feel numb, everything is building up in me and I feel Am going to burst very soon and do something very extreme. But I’m the first born child and girl of pastors. I’m meant to lead by exmaple, I’m meant to preach to others and correct them based on what I’ve been taught since I was a kid. But how do I do that if I don’t even believe what they preach? If I had anywhere to go I would but I’ve no where to go. School has been my only escape but ASUU is on strike now and am just lost.